Five Experts Darcy Went to Recruit
by Ninjababe
Summary: Full title: Five Experts Darcy Went to Recruit, and One Where She Said 'Hell, no'. Darcy Lewis goes recruiting (or re-recruiting) five experts for SHIELD. Then, she meets a sixth one...
1. Hank McCoy of the X-Men

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters.

I read X-Men comics up to the 90s. What you read here is a mix of older comics, movies, and miscellaneous bits in my head.

Darcy straightened the jacket of her black suit and reached forward to knock on the front door of Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. The door opened before she could give a knock.

"Hah!" the male teenager who opened the door exclaimed.

Darcy lowered her arm and ignored the smirk. "I'm Darcy Lewis of SHIELD. Doctor McCoy is expecting me."

"Sure, sure," the grinning teen said as he opened the door wider. After Darcy had entered he added, "Follow me."

"You left the door open," she pointed out after they had moved a few feet.

"Oh, yeah." The teen got a look of concentration on his face and the door slammed shut behind them. They passed by a young girl juggling what seemed to be fireballs. "Scared yet?"

Darcy raised an eyebrow. "I'm sorry?"

The teen gestured to a door ahead that had seemingly opened by itself. "We have powers. Scared of what we could do to you?" The boy asked with a feral grin.

Darcy rolled her eyes. "I live in a building with a guy who can turn into a giant green rage monster, use me as a piñata, and throw me off the top of the building so I can feel the joy of screaming in terror before becoming a street pancake. And, he's not the scariest thing in my life. Try again." Ignoring the fallen look on the teen's face, she asked, "Now, Doctor McCoy?"

Almost pouting, the teen hit the down button on the elevator.

"Albert?" a female voice called out from behind the two.

Giving a small sigh, the teen turned around. "Yes, Ms. Grey?"

Darcy turned as well and saw a drop dead gorgeous redhead. She watched as the two obviously had a mental conversation. The woman then turned to Darcy. "What do you want with Doctor McCoy, Agent Lewis?"

"I'm not an agent," Darcy replied. "As for Doctor McCoy, I'm sorry, that's between him and SHIELD."

The woman stared intently at Darcy for a few moments then took a small step back in shock.

"Shall we go, Albert?" Darcy said, turning towards the teen.

"I prefer 'Push'," Albert pouted as the two entered the elevator.

"Oh, honey," Darcy said with a shake of her head. "Keep thinking. I can come up with at least ten things to say about that. And, that's before I even try. "

A few minutes later, Darcy was led into what looked to be a cross between an infirmary and a high-tech laboratory. "Hey, Beast? Suit here to see you!" the boy called out.

Ignoring the bang and grunt from further in the room, the boy turned around and left Darcy where she was standing.

A few moments later, a figure covered with blue fur wearing a lab coat appeared from the bowels of the room. "Miss Lewis?"

"Yes, sir." Darcy said with a genuine smile. As she strode forward and held her hand out to shake, she added, "Doctor McCoy?"

"I am," the doctor replied with a toothy grin. "But, please, call me Hank. Stark and Barton say good things about you."

"They usually rant about you being a card shark," Darcy said with a wider smile before getting to the reason for her visit. "As you know, your contract as a consultant with SHIELD is up for renewal. I'm here to go over any concerns or questions about the terms of the new contract."

"I've gone over the contract. As it's exactly the same as the last, I've already signed it. Let me find it for you."

Darcy was soon placing the contract into the briefcase she had with her. "Well, this was an easy visit," she grinned.

"Indeed," Hank replied. "Let me show you the way out."

As the two left the elevator on the ground floor, Darcy suddenly felt woozy and staggered. A few moments later, the feeling left, and Darcy leaned against the wall, holding her head.

"What the hell did you do to my wife!" a male voice yelled in her face.

Rearing back, Darcy squinted at the man in front of her, a ruby visor covering his eyes.

"I said, what the hell did you do to my wife!" The ruby visor seemed to glow.

"Scott, back off!" Hank exclaimed, pushing the man away. "Are you okay, Darcy?"

"What happened?" Darcy asked as she stood up, noticing that Ms. Grey was huddled against the ground, groaning softly.

"I do apologize," another male voice stated. Darcy looked over to see a bald man in a floating wheelchair. "My name is Charles Xavier. This is my school."

Darcy glared at the man. "What the hell is going on?"

"I would like to know that myself." After Ms. Grey had steadied herself, a stare-off between Xavier and the redheaded woman lasted a few moments.

"It seems that Jean here was concerned by something she found in your mental landscape. When she dug deeper, she was attacked and fled your mind."

"Does she have a habit of invading the minds of visitors?" Darcy asked with raised eyebrows.

"I do apologize. When she felt a feral presence in your mind, she wanted to make sure you weren't a threat."

"Xavier, your people need better manners," Darcy glared before turning to the still pale woman. "And, Odin's Beard, woman! Undo the calamity that is your mammaries! Perhaps there's a reason for what's in my head. It's called my brain!" Taking a deep breath, she addressed Doctor McCoy. "I can see the front door from here, Doctor McCoy. Perhaps I'll see you the next time you're over for poker."

Grumbling to herself, she stalked to the front door and calmly opened it. After softly closing the door, she walked towards her car.

I apologize again, Miss Lewis. Jean has never met a slayer before.

Jumping at the voice in her head that sounded like Xavier, she thought, 'So, this is telepathy, huh? You know about slayers?'

I've sent a few that were misclassified as mutants to the NWC. I'll try and teach my pupils better telepathic etiquette. You are welcome to another visit if you ever wish.

'I'll think about it,' Darcy replied as she started her car and started the drive home.

* * *

><p>"Undo the calamity that is your mammaries" is from starinhercorner on tumblr.<p>

Hank McCoy, aka Beast, is a literal genius in many fields, including genetics.


	2. Stargate Command

"Since I'm stuck in line waiting to get into the mountain, I thought I'd call and check in," Darcy said into her cell as she stared at the rear of the car in front of her. "I know I'm two hours early, but I'll be in the mountain by then, and normal cell phones shouldn't have reception down there. I was warned about it in my briefing for this trip. Thanks again for this idea, I'm enjoying seeing the world. Even though, most of the people SHIELD wants to sign are real jerks. Anyway, nothing much to report. I ran into a few, but nothing I can't handle. Oh, I'm next! I'll let you get back to your boy band. Oh, and remind Fitz and Simmons that their monthly reports are late, again. See ya, Son of Coul."

Turning her phone off, she lowered her window and handed her drivers license and SHIELD identification card to the guard at the gate.

"Nature of your business, ma'am?" the guard asked as he compared Darcy's identification to the information on his clipboard.

"I have a meeting with Lieutenant Colonel Carter."

"If you'll park your vehicle over there, I'll lead you to security, " the guard replied as he handed her cards back and waved at the small lot just inside the gate.

Darcy nodded and did as requested. A few moments later, she was standing next to her rental car waiting for her escort.

"This way, ma'am," the guard stated as he walked beside her, his hand on the butt of his holstered gun.

It only took a few minutes to reach the security building, which looked like it backed into the mountain. The guard gestured Darcy to proceed him. The two entered the building into a small office with a door opposite the one they had entered. There was a desk bolted to the ground in the center of the room, a set of lockers to one side, and a tall, thin locked cabinet beside the inner door. "Darcy Lewis to see Lieutenant Colonel Carter," the guard stated to the uniformed man behind the desk. Turning to Darcy, he nodded as he continued, "Thank you for your patience, ma'am."

As the gate guard left, the man at the desk pulled out a manila folder and wrote Darcy's name on the tab. "I'll need to see your purse and briefcase," he stated.

Darcy placed her briefcase on the corner of the desk and put her purse on top.

"No personal effects may enter the mountain. You will only be allowed any paper you are carrying with you. You will be patted down, and if necessary, searched further.

We will catalog, in front of you, your personal possessions so we can compare on your exit from this facility. Are there any questions?"

Darcy gave a grin. "Nope."

"Before we begin, do you have any weapons among your effects or person, conventional or otherwise?"

Darcy thought for a moment and patted her pocket to double check she had left her taser in the car, before shaking her head. "No, I don't."

The man started to write down her possessions onto a form as he said them aloud. "One leather purse. Contents are a leather wallet, water bottle of clear liquid, smartphone, set of car keys, and three sharpened number two pencils. The wallet contains a New York drivers license, identification card for SHIELD, two credit cards, all with the name 'Darcy Lewis'. Also, eighty five dollars American in cash.

"One leather briefcase. Contents are a flash drive, two pens, three sharpened number two pencils, and a folder of paper."

After he had finished cataloging her possessions, he handed her the folder from her briefcase and the folder he was writing in. "Please enter the door behind me for the next phase. Have a pleasant day."

"You as well," she replied as she opened the inner door.

The woman in uniform on the other side of the door took the folders Darcy handed her and motioned her towards a side wall. "Please stand on the yellow line with your feet spread apart and place your hands on the yellow circles painted on the wall."

Darcy did as she was told and after a quick pat-down, was soon handed back the folder she had brought with her and a visitor's badge. The other folder was kept by the female security guard.

Gesturing towards the two bulky men on either side of the elevator behind her, the woman stated, "These two will escort you to your meeting and back."

Nodding, Darcy stepped between the two and waited patiently for the elevator car to arrive.

Within a few minutes, Darcy and her escorts were in the elevator and going down into the bowels of the mountain.

One of the two guards reached out and pressed the 'stop' button on the elevator.

Darcy raised an eyebrow as the two turned to her.

"We have a message for you," one of the burly men said, while both grinned menacingly.

She had to stop herself from rolling her eyes. "Let me guess, NID?"

The statement caused the two to stop in shock. The one on the left gave himself a small shake and continued, "We know you're not an agent. Just a paper pusher. You work for us now. We'll be in contact on what we want you to look for while at SHIELD."

"Oh, really?" Darcy asked, both eyebrows now raised.

"The condolence flowers for your family's misfortunes will be quite pretty, otherwise," the man on the right continued.

The elevator started again, and Darcy asked, "I take it the surveillance feed of this is currently showing a loop of the three of us standing quietly?"

The man on the left grunted in reply, "No, but it will be fixed afterwards."

Darcy couldn't help snorting in derision. "You guys are awful at this."

One of the men reached for Darcy. "And, you're trying to physically intimidate me?" Darcy exclaimed as she grabbed the man's outstretched arm.

By the time the elevator reached the designated floor, Darcy had incapacitated both men with a minimum of fuss, and violence. 'Didn't even muss my hair,' she thought with another snort.

The doors opened to a pair of people that Darcy recognized from her briefing packet. "Hello, Lieutenant Colonel Carter, General O'Neill. I think you're screening process needs a bit more work." The two Air Force officers stared at the groaning men on the ground as Darcy continued, "I doubt you want NID plants in your security force. If you could send a copy of the surveillance footage to my email address? My trainers like to critique my technique."

After a few blinks, Carter turned to O'Neill. "I'll leave this in your capable hands, sir. I do have a meeting to get to, after all."

* * *

><p>After an hour of discussion with Carter, Darcy was finally in the final stages of negotiations.<p>

"You can't have my people!" O'Neill exclaimed as he strode into the conference room.

Sighing, Darcy pinched her nose. "I'm not here to poach. I'm here to borrow. Your labs are some of the best on the planet. And, sometimes SHIELD resources are stretched to the limit and we need help from outside contractors."

O'Neill glared. "I'm sure whatever SHIELD has is enough. Our people are backlogged already."

Darcy pushed her glasses up her nose and contained her sigh. Before she could reiterate the recent argument she had with Carter, a shimmering light appeared in one corner.

"O'Neill, we have need of you," the short, grey alien with large black eyes stated.

Darcy just blinked and said, "Huh."

"Heimdall?" Carter asked in surprise.

"Huh," Darcy said again as the alien was led out of the room by the two Air Force personnel, leaving her alone.

A few moments later, two men entered the conference room.

"Sorry about that," one man said, holding out his hand. "I'm Daniel Jackson, this is Teal'c."

Shaking his hand, Darcy smiled. "No worries." Looking Teal'c over, she added, "Nice golden symbol there. Jaffa, huh?"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "Indeed."

Darcy became curious. "How's Earth working out for you?"

"It has it's moments," Teal'c replied with an almost non-existent smile.

"Any chance I can get a copy of whatever program they used to get you acclimated to this planet?" Darcy asked with a pleading look.

"What?" Jackson looked confused. "Why?"

"It comes up," Darcy said with a shrug. Seeing Daniel nod, she turned her gaze to the conference room door and added, "Heimdall, huh?"

"Yes, it's where the myths of the Norse gods came from," Jackson said with a smile.

Darcy interrupted what she knew was about to be a long discussion about the Norse gods. "Really? Because, he looks a lot different than the last time I saw him. He's shrunk quite a bit."

"I'm sure he does look different than any illustrations there are of the god Heimdall," Jackson pointed out.

"I'll have to ask him about it the next time I see him," Darcy replied distractedly as Carter and O'Neill re-entered the conference room followed by the grey Heimdall.

"Unfortunately, something has come up," Carter apologized. "I'll have to read over the contract and get in touch with you later."

"No problems," Darcy said with a wave. "I understand. We can tele-conference or something. That, or I'm sure SHIELD will be happy to let me come back."

"Wait!" Daniel exclaimed. "What do you mean, you'll 'have to ask him about it the next time you see him'?"

"I'm sorry," Darcy shrugged. "I'm not sure what your clearance rating is on this subject." Turning to Heimdall, she gave an Asgardian warrior's salute of pressing her closed fist over her heart and giving a small bow, as she had been taught by Sif.

Leaving the anthropologist sputtering behind her, and the others in the room confused, she followed Carter to the elevator.

The ride was silent back to the surface, and Darcy ignored the sideways looks Carter was giving her. It only took Darcy a few minutes to gather her stuff and be on her way.

* * *

><p>The entry process for Cheyenne Mountain is probably more rigorous than in the actual tv series, but I extrapolated from my personal experiences growing up on Air Force bases and visiting my mom when she worked in secure locations.<p>

It wasn't made apparent in the text, but the water bottle was holy water and the pencils were there as mini stakes.


	3. Doctor House

Thanks to Sparrow for some on-the-fly input while I wrote this.

Darcy smiled politely at the tour-like comments Doctor Cuddy made as the Dean of Medicine of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital led her through the building.

"Are you sure you want him?" the doctor asked as the two paused outside a glass door.

Darcy gave a reassuring smile and nodded. Doctor Cuddy took a deep breath and opened the door.

"This is Doctor Gregory House," she said as she waved to the man behind the office desk, ignoring them for the handheld game device in his hand.

Darcy raised her eyebrows. "I hope you're not playing Dr Mario. That would be so cliche."

After glancing up, Doctor House went back to his game. "You're a little overdressed for a strippergram."

Doctor Cuddy's horrified exclamation of "House!" was drowned out by Darcy's laughter.

"My dreams of becoming a stripper were tragically cut short due to the security restraints of my new job," Darcy replied with a twinkle in her eye before turning to Doctor Cuddy. "I put up with maniacal geniuses before either one of us are caffeinated. This is child's play. Thank you for leading me to his office, but I'm afraid the rest of this conversation will be classified."

Giving an uncertain nod, Doctor Cuddy left the room. After she left, Darcy went towards a side door that was open. After peering into the empty conference room, she pulled the door shut, then walked over to the chairs in front of Doctor House's desk. Placing her briefcase beside a chair, she sat down and waited.

After a few minutes of being ignored, Darcy shrugged and pulled out her phone. She was soon engrossed in her current level of Candy Crush.

"Well?" Doctor House finally asked.

Darcy looked up. "Hmm?"

"Aren't you going to tell me how wonderful I am and need to be on SHIELD's payroll?"

"Just a second," Darcy replied. "I only have four more moves and… Damn… Didn't beat the level…" Putting her phone away, she turned her full attention to Doctor House. "Yes, I'm here about the SHIELD contract. I'm to answer questions and/or concerns you may have. That being said, shall we move past the ego stroking and get down to business?"

Doctor House raised his eyebrows.

"Fine," Darcy said with a sigh. "You are so wonderful, Doctor House. You're brain should be declared a monument by not only the United States government, but all the world. Blah, blah, blah. Do I have to continue? I'm getting a cavity."

Giving a snort, Doctor House nodded. ""I want access to any information on alien diseases SHIELD comes across."

Darcy shook her head. "We will be providing all known data dealing with the aliens the subject may have come in contact with on a case by case basis. Unfortunately, you don't have the security clearance for full access. That drug habit of yours, while unavoidable, makes you a security risk."

Seeing Doctor House about to make what was probably a blistering comment, Darcy continued. "However, unofficially, I reside in a building with a well known billionaire genius who likes to hack SHIELD. If he should send information out to colleagues and interested parties, I have no say in it."

"And, SHIELD still wants me on their payroll?"

Darcy nodded. "I made the final decision. Even with the negatives in your file, you were the best choice. I almost picked one of your… 'ducklings' I believe is the term? But, after researching the situation, that would be the same as picking you, just unofficially. Also, as my supervisors only care about results, your security risk is minimal."

"Speaking of my 'ducklings'," Doctor House replied as he leaned back in his chair. "What if I need them for a case?"

Darcy grinned as she pulled a sheet of paper out of her briefcase to look at. "As of this moment, all of your subordinates, plus your friend Doctor Wilson, have passed the SHIELD screening process. We'll update you when any new underlings are hired."

Doctor House looked intrigued. "What's the sheet of paper?"

"A… signing bonus. Interesting tidbits about people in your life we found out from the screening process, including the reason why Doctor Cuddy cannot be briefed on any case SHIELD may give you," Darcy said, her grin widening. "Interested?"

"Let me see the paper first."

Darcy folded the paper so the top two inches showed and turned it so he could read that section.

"Where do I sign?" Doctor house replied with a grin of his own.


	4. Bones

Minor, oblique spoiler for Captain America: Winter Soldier.

"I just don't see how the Jeffersonian could be of assistance to an organization such as yours," A well dressed woman stated as she waved her hand around the conference room of scientists.

Ignoring the hostile glare from the FBI agent in the corner, Darcy smiled. "Sometimes, SHIELD needs an independent forensics lab. As you know, Doctor Saroyan, the one here at the Jeffersonian is one of, if not the, best in the nation."

"They're under contract with the FBI," the agent, who looked a lot like someone she should know, spat out.

Giving a small sigh, Darcy tried to placate the government official. "SHIELD is not here to poach, Agent Booth, only to borrow on rare occasions."

"I don't want to work for a shadow agency," a curly haired scientist growled as he glared at Darcy. "For all we know, SHIELD could have agents everywhere, just waiting to take over the governments of the world."

Darcy quirked a grin and pointed to the left. "According to the rumors, that was a few realities that way, and it was stopped." Pausing, she looked thoughtful and raised her finger forty-five degrees. "Or is it that way? I'm never positive on multi-dimensional compass points."

Any reply to her comment was forestalled by loud thunder that almost masked the raised voices in another section of the complex.

"There are no storms predicted for today. And, the sky is clear," someone in the room commented.

Pinching her nose, Darcy muttered, "Odin's Beard." Turning to Doctor Soroyan, she gave a plastic smile, "My colleague gets a bit passionate about his field. Excuse me a moment."

One of the female scientists commented, "You do know that Norse paganism of today has no real basis in fact."

"Bones!" Agent Booth hissed as the rest followed to see what the commotion was.

Darcy paused and blinked a few times at Doctor Brennan. "Actually, a coworker says it a lot, and I picked it up." She hurried towards the new Norse Myth exhibit as she heard the voices ahead get louder.

Turning the corner, she saw Thor yelling at a security guard and waving his arms wildly. "At least he didn't call Mew Mew," she muttered with a heartfelt sigh. "Big guy!" she called out.

"Lady Darcy!" Thor boomed as he gesticulated wildly at the exhibit. "It's all wrong!"

"Okay, first of all, we talked about using your inside voice. Take a few deep breathes." Seeing Thor had calmed down a bit, she continued, "Remember our discussion of reality verses fantasy? Over the years, the true tales get embellished. Remember?"

"But, I am quite... miffed... over this." Thor pouted.

"Oh my," a member of Saroyan's staff said as she glanced over Thor's jeans and tight t-shirt clad body.

"Hey!" Hodges exclaimed. "Angela!"

"I can look!"

Ignoring the crowd of scientists behind her, Darcy looked at Thor confused. "Miffed? Where did you learn 'miffed'?"

"Lady Jane insisted I add some 'real' classics to my reading list. I'm currently in the middle of Pride and Prejudice," Thor replied.

Darcy exclaimed, "Harry Potter is a classic!" Taking a deep breath, and noticing that Thor was again calm, she turned to Doctor Saroyan. "Shall we return to our meeting?"

The scientist shook her head. "I'll go over the contract with the Jeffersonian lawyers. If everything is in order, I'll be glad to sign it."

Darcy gave a wide smile and nodded.

"Now, that business is out of the way, an intern here, Mr. Vaziri, says he'd like to speak with you on a... personal matter?" The last of Doctor Saroyan's statement came out as a hesitant question.

"Arastoo's here? Faboo!" Darcy exclaimed. "I went to high school with his sister and haven't seen him in years!"

* * *

><p>Notes<p>

Bones is a TV show about an forensics lab at the Jeffersonian that helps the FBI with cases. The main character, Temperance Brennan, aka Bones, is a genius anthropologist that specializes in bones, and who is socially inept.

Agent Booth is played by David Boreanez, who played Angel in the Buffy series. That's why he looks familiar to Darcy. :-)

What I was thinking as I wrote about Hodges conspiracy theory. For my writing, the multiverse is like this:

Darcy Slayer - Darcy and Mew Mew - Darcy and Uncle Jack -MCU

With probably a few universes in between... The farther you get away from the MCU universe, the less likely the plot of Captain America 2 happened. Or, at least, at that large a scale.

The rumors are from the demon underground. My thought is in a reality where you have all these 'Big Bads' wanting to take over the world, they'll stop each other's attempts as much as possible.

As for Bone's comment about Norse paganism today... -shrug- it seems to be a comment she'd say.


	5. Mr Fantastic

Ok, it seems part five of this does not want to be written... Mostly because I know the broad strokes of Fantastic Four, but have only encountered them in comics during massive crossovers (Yes, Infinity storylines, I'm looking at you...)

But, here's my try.

After waiting two hours after the time she had scheduled her appointment, Darcy was in no mood to be polite. "Finally, Mr. Bendy."

"Excuse me?" Reed Richards, the superhero known as Mister Fantastic, asked, looking confused.

"I would've been happy to reschedule our meeting. There was no reason to be so rude," Darcy replied with a glare. "You're just lucky I remembered my charging cord for my phone."

"I'm sorry, but the quantum harmonics of the..." He was interrupted by Darcy's raised hand.

"I am not in the mode for Science-Land," Darcy stated with a glare.

"I had a good reason for being so late. The experiment..."

"I'm sure it was fascinating. But, since it wasn't a world, or even building ending event, and you couldn't get off your ass to at least call me to reschedule, I'm wondering if you're actually a good fit for outsourcing from my department."

Richards stared. "Are you sure you're in SHIELD science division?"

"Yes," Darcy replied as she reached down to pick up her briefcase.

"Then, of course, you want me to help you out," Richards condescendingly replied with a shake of his head.

"I don't know, Doc," Darcy replied. "I think I may have to re-evaluate your profile before signing the final contract."

Richardes stared some more as Darcy started to stalk towards the elevator. "I see why Tony can't stand this guy." She stopped suddenly, inches from the male chest that had appeared in front of her. "Yes?"

"Hey, babe. Since you're done discussing business, how about you and I go out and grab a bite to eat? Johnny Storm," the man said with a wide, flirtatious grin.

Darcy rolled her eyes as she went past the man, continuing towards the elevator.

Hearing her name being called from behind her by a female voice, she paused from pressing the 'down' button. "Yes?" Darcy asked as she turned around.

"I'm Sue Richards," the blonde woman said, shaking Darcy's hand. "I want to apologize for everyone you've met so far." Ignoring Storm's dismayed 'hey!', she continued, "If you leave the contract with me, I'll make sure my husband learns the importance of what almost happened here."

Nodding, Darcy pulled a folder out of her briefcase. "Thank you, Mrs. Richards."

"Call me Sue," the blonde replied with a grin.

"Tell me, Sue. Ever gone on a 'girls night out' with multiple SHIELD agents, a few scientists, wranglers, and maybe an Asgardian or two?" Darcy asked with a wide grin.

"No, I can't say that I have," Sue replied with raised eyebrows.

Darcy's grin widened. "Want to?"

Notes

Yeah, may have ended up being a bit crack-ish... Sigh. But, this part is stopping me from part 6!

And, because I fought with it, it's really short. Oh well. And, hey, shouldn't it really be Dr. Fantastic? 


End file.
